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She would wake up in the middle of the night, nauseated from it. She wasn’t being hit in the head anymore, but the pain washed over her anyway. Becky hoped he wouldn’t think to look there. She stayed for two weeks, until Nelly gave birth to her daughter, and then fled to Phoenix, where her sister lived. She hid at her friend’s house for a few days, and during a snowstorm that closed local roads, she traveled by train across high desert and mountain passes to the city where Nelly lived. She disassembled her phone and threw away the SIM card she was afraid of being tracked, but more afraid of being talked into returning. The next morning, after he dropped her off at the mall where she worked, Becky rushed onto a bus to a friend’s house. But if she stayed, she realized, he would probably kill her. When a door opened, her boyfriend received a notification on his phone.
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There were nine security cameras surrounding the house, and the windows were screwed shut. Becky wanted to leave but didn’t know how. She thought, What am I doing? Nelly, who was by then living in another city, was expecting her own child and would never welcome Becky into their lives if she remained with her boyfriend. When she saw her reflection in the bathroom mirror that night, it was just hours after he had threatened to beat her with a hammer. Becky began taking Percocet to blunt the near-constant pain, but over time she found herself taking the pills in anticipation of pain - a couple after work when she knew he was in a mood. In bright light, her vision became speckled. The headaches swelled and subsided like a tide. She had long been experiencing headaches and migraines, but by 2017, they had become so bad that she often stayed home from the clothing store she managed. In court, her father raised abuse as a reason to revoke custody. In 2009, when Nelly was 14, she asked to live with her dad.
Nelly, who asked to be identified by her childhood nickname, wasn’t allowed to sit on the couch or eat junk food. But for years he controlled the child’s behavior by hitting her mother in front of her. Her boyfriend never touched her daughter, Nelly.
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She spent whole days strategizing how to avoid his wrath: “How am I going to do all this stuff he wants me to do, so I don’t get hit?” “How am I still going to go to work and maintain this job, so I don’t get hit?” “How am I going to get to the grocery store and buy the things that he wants, so I don’t get hit?” Becky, who asked to be identified by a nickname for her safety, often showed up to work with bruises on her face, caked over with foundation, but her co-workers never said anything. He hit her when the house was too messy or if he wasn’t in the mood for the breakfast she made. Some days, he attacked her for sleeping too late others, for waking him up too early. She could never predict what would set him off. And then the meanness got darker.įrom the beginning of their relationship, Becky’s boyfriend drew the reins tightly around their lives. Underneath the laughing, something felt mean. The first time Becky remembers her boyfriend hurting her, about six months into their relationship, was when he was joking around: a tug on her hair that was surprisingly forceful. She had already spent years raising her younger siblings when her own mother, who suffered from mental illness and was a survivor of domestic abuse, could not. They met in 1996, when she was a teenager with a new baby. With others, the memories hung fuzzy and distant. She remembered getting some of her injuries. She had stopped buying leather belts, the braided kind. When she went shopping, she would hold items in her hands, assessing how much damage they would do to her body. Her chipped front tooth was harder to hide than the broken molars knocked loose during two decades of beatings.
She always wore her hair in a bun to mask a bald spot he had slammed her head against a door frame, and she had needed staples there. Smaller scars marked her eyebrows and her bottom lip, where a tooth once cut through. Her nostrils were now asymmetrical from when he broke her nose. A scar snaked under her chin from when her boyfriend punched her.
Her face, gaunt from weight loss, looked pale. In 2017, when Becky was about to turn 40, she woke up in the middle of the night and was startled by her reflection in the bathroom mirror.
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